The Candy Witch

I try to be as much a "live and let live" kind of guy as is humanly possible. I try not to tell other people how to live and, as long as it doesn't affect me personally, I'll often leave people be.

But I am only human and the strange behaviors that have crept into our society do get on my nerves. One of these categories of behavior is the over-mothering parents and legislators.

I grew up in the eighties and nineties in mostly small towns, occasionally given the doubtful privilege of city life. I certainly was injured numerous times and nearly killed a few times. Fortunately, Nature decided I should live a bit longer.

During the summer months I went out after breakfast and often didn't come back until supper was on and, if I was having a particularly good time, stayed out until dark. I wandered the woods and stole from the grocery stores and rode my bike everywhere. I did everything any adventurous boy should. My parents felt that such things were normal and didn't try to keep me from having a good time.

For some reason, those days seem to be over. Not for me, but for kids growing up these days. Every stranger is now a potential pedophile. Every wooded area a site of a fresh shallow grave. Every teacher a parental stand-in.

Everyone wants to be as safe as possible and to Hell with fun. Once the children get on the bus, they're now the responsibility of the teachers.

"Why can't my child read? You're the teacher, so teach. I have a career, you know."

When they return home, it's indoors always.

"Don't go outside, child predators are everywhere. Don't you watch the news? Here, just play this game on the television."

Safety and outsourced responsibility. That's the game in the new media-fed America. Well, let's point the finger and show you some stupid people and their idea of safety.

Now, we all know about the obesity problem in America. Fat little shits sitting on the sofa as their enabling parents feed their vice and keep them from getting a bit of exercise, lest some pederast give their little butts a feel. Stay here, it's safer.

Now, Halloween is just around the corner. The bravest parents will be escorting their little brats door to door in the pursuit of delectable rations of sweets. How fun!

So you get this big bag of candy and haul it home and pour it out on the kitchen table. It's checked for razors and hypos and all manner of things with which the child-hating public would use to kill your child. Now, on to the gluttony, right? Wrong, motherfucker!

You get ten pieces of select favorites and the rest is left for the Candy Witch! What?

That's right. Once again, safety has overridden fun and taken away the joy of life. Now if you have a fat kid, why not just let him eat the candy? It's your fault he's fat in the first place. You won't let him out for exercise, but you take away his candy, too?

Here's a thought: let him eat the candy and then let him run around the neighborhood to burn it off. Why? Because there aren't any pedophiles in your back yard. He's not going to run in the road. No one is planning his demise. Really. I'm not fucking lying to you.

And to make up a character like the Candy Witch because you don't have the fucking balls to tell your kid the truth? You're a fucking spineless liar and shouldn't have had kids until you could speak honestly.

"Honey, the Candy Witch took your candy. Not me. Now, now, don't cry. Santa Claus is coming soon. Let's go to church, you know, Jesus' house."

Why can't parents be honest? What are you afraid of? Well-adjusted kids?

They'll learn all about life from someone else if you don't tell them how it is. Do you really want that? Do you want your son to learn about sex from his friends? Do you want your daughter to learn about love in the back seat of a Honda? Talk to your kids. And do it honestly. You don't want them to grow up thinking of you as a liar.