I have been on the "Atkins" method of the low sugar, low carbohydrate diets for about seven weeks now. It has worked well enough: I feel better, I have lost some weight and my energy is up. However, as I found out yesterday, my tolerance for anything sugary is virtually nonexistent.
See, yesterday was my daughter's sixth birthday; and birthdays in our house are highly regarded and very important. As her father, I try to be as accommodating as possible; to my own detriment, it turns out.
Traditionally, the birthday boy or girl gets to choose the supper meal for the day. They also get cake and such for dessert; candles, singing and all.
I had planned to have a small sliver of cake -- it's only proper. However, my wife suggested that I should also partake in the supper of choice - pizza - since my daughter might feel slighted if I didn't. So I partook. Immediately, I realized it was a mistake. That stupid pizza hit my gut like a shotgun blast. Instant churn, like low-grade poison. I knew that this was going to turn out badly later, so I figured, Hey, if I'm going to suffer, I might as well enjoy myself now. So I followed up the slice of pizza with a second; cutting off and not eating the crust, as if that would help.
Then on to the cake. Yellow cake, chocolate icing; a massive construction of two 13 x 9 inch cakes stacked, icing between and on top and all around. Three cans of icing. When I make a cake, I make a motherfucking cake.
The first piece was hard to eat because it was so damned sweet. The second piece was a little easier; I just had to fight the expansion in my stomach.
However, I hadn't even put my fork down before the first volley was released and my system was attacking me. Mad dash to the bathroom -- time to spray-paint the porcelain.
Ever heard the sound of an A-10 Warthog as it sprays bullets at tanks and completely wipes out every living thing in the area? It sounds like a deep, guttural belch. My tookis made that sound yesterday. Several times, actually.
It eventually subsided. A couple Gas-X pills and I felt better, but very tired. When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good. My wife whipped up some sausage and eggs for me this morning, the usual fare for an Atkins enthusiast. Just looking at it made me feel queasy. It was greasy and heavy and I only ate a portion of it.
I've never had a hangover before. I'm one of those fortunate people that can drink as much as I want and never suffer from a headache or upset stomach. However, I found out that, as far as sugar consumption goes, I'm not immune. Complete sugar hangover. This might be fair warning for the alcohol aspect: as I've gotten older, it, too, might eventually affect me.
Sometimes a "diet" actually turns into a lifestyle. The pros and cons of participating in a life-changing regimen must be weighed and the participant must decide whether or not it's worth it. If I cut out the sugar, I could lose weight and feel better and maybe even live longer. However, food is my vice, if I could consider myself to have one.
This, too, shall pass; and I'll be eating fine, fatty meats and losing weight again. But sometimes acquiescing to predetermined protocols makes for loose guts, loose stools a stomach like an industrial butter churn.
See, yesterday was my daughter's sixth birthday; and birthdays in our house are highly regarded and very important. As her father, I try to be as accommodating as possible; to my own detriment, it turns out.
Traditionally, the birthday boy or girl gets to choose the supper meal for the day. They also get cake and such for dessert; candles, singing and all.
I had planned to have a small sliver of cake -- it's only proper. However, my wife suggested that I should also partake in the supper of choice - pizza - since my daughter might feel slighted if I didn't. So I partook. Immediately, I realized it was a mistake. That stupid pizza hit my gut like a shotgun blast. Instant churn, like low-grade poison. I knew that this was going to turn out badly later, so I figured, Hey, if I'm going to suffer, I might as well enjoy myself now. So I followed up the slice of pizza with a second; cutting off and not eating the crust, as if that would help.
Then on to the cake. Yellow cake, chocolate icing; a massive construction of two 13 x 9 inch cakes stacked, icing between and on top and all around. Three cans of icing. When I make a cake, I make a motherfucking cake.
The first piece was hard to eat because it was so damned sweet. The second piece was a little easier; I just had to fight the expansion in my stomach.
However, I hadn't even put my fork down before the first volley was released and my system was attacking me. Mad dash to the bathroom -- time to spray-paint the porcelain.
Ever heard the sound of an A-10 Warthog as it sprays bullets at tanks and completely wipes out every living thing in the area? It sounds like a deep, guttural belch. My tookis made that sound yesterday. Several times, actually.
It eventually subsided. A couple Gas-X pills and I felt better, but very tired. When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good. My wife whipped up some sausage and eggs for me this morning, the usual fare for an Atkins enthusiast. Just looking at it made me feel queasy. It was greasy and heavy and I only ate a portion of it.
I've never had a hangover before. I'm one of those fortunate people that can drink as much as I want and never suffer from a headache or upset stomach. However, I found out that, as far as sugar consumption goes, I'm not immune. Complete sugar hangover. This might be fair warning for the alcohol aspect: as I've gotten older, it, too, might eventually affect me.
Sometimes a "diet" actually turns into a lifestyle. The pros and cons of participating in a life-changing regimen must be weighed and the participant must decide whether or not it's worth it. If I cut out the sugar, I could lose weight and feel better and maybe even live longer. However, food is my vice, if I could consider myself to have one.
This, too, shall pass; and I'll be eating fine, fatty meats and losing weight again. But sometimes acquiescing to predetermined protocols makes for loose guts, loose stools a stomach like an industrial butter churn.
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